I am on holiday with my 13 year old son in beautiful Cabanas de Tavira, in Eastern Algarve.

We are on day 3 and are just relaxing.

A bit about me.  39 Years old, happily married with a 13 year old from a previous marriage, a cocker spaniel Pippin and a three legged cat Poppy.  We live in a small hamlet in rural Devon and I am originally from North Wales.  I am 40 in October !!

My husband and I are both professional people working long hours, we work hard, we also play hard.

We have a yacht and live comfortably.

Sounds perfect right?

Not so.  My struggles are my weight and I drink too much wine.  My weight is my real struggle.  I am morbidly obese and I hate it.  I have tried every diet known to man and fail each time.  People who do not struggle with their weight have no understanding of the internal battles we face.  It sounds pimps, eat less move more.  I am a relatively intelligent lady and I DO realise this will work, if only I could apply myself.  Self sabotage for some unknown reason is my biggest hurdle.

So I started on the NHS weight management plan last July 2018.  This involves professional dieticians, councillors and physiotherapists.  A 12 week intensive 90 minute course each Tuesday evening, in a group of around what started as 12.  Learning about habits, emotional eating, dietary tutorials and exercise.
The aim of the course is to help people identify with why we do what we do to ourselves.  I truly believe this is an illness.  I don't think many people choose to feel the way we feel when we look in the mirror and most of us know how to achieve this, but something stops us.

The following 12 weeks were bi-weekly meetings of a similar nature.  Then 3 monthly drop ins.

I am due my next drop in on 12th September and if I have lost 5% of my weight I can chose to opt for bariatric surgery.  A sleeve or a bypass.

My husband and I went to the 2 hour seminar on what bariatric surgery entails.  Quite a shock and a big worry to my husband.

I went away at Christmas to think it all through.  I want this surgery.  Can I lose my 5% can I fuck!!

I get there then weeks before an appointment put it back on.

I have 2 weeks following holiday to sort this out.  This holiday is giving me space to clear my mind and focus.  When I achieve this I have to maintain it for at least 4 months and until the surgery, if I don't its game over.

My mind is playing games all of the time.  I can go abroad and pay then I don't have to reach this target, but this is self sabotage and what have I learnt if my minds behaviour is like this.

So this is my last chance saloon, if I can't do this now I don't know what chance I have.

So this is an accountability post to help me understand me and my whys and wherefores.

xAx